CANCER....
that word still knocks the wind out of me. i sat there wondering how many others around me had been or are currently affected by this terrible monster of a disease. and if that word hits them like a brick wall every time as it does to me? i hate that word. i hate what it did to my mom. my family. my life. to me...i hate that i just had to sit there tonight hearing all about it. when i never want to talk about it. ever.
dr p. mentioned how if someone who had cancer would put their cancerous cells into another person's body - that person's system would be able to fight those cancer cells off (i think that's how he said it...) and all i thought of was the lyric from nirvana's heart shaped box song "i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black". i wish it would be that easy. i wish i could have taken it from her. fought it. and beat it for her. i wish she was still here..
at the very end of his lecture - dr p stated how colon cancer is the most preventable cancer in men and explained why. i sat there thinking please don't say it - please don't say it. and then he did. "and cervical cancer is the most preventable among women. that's why they get their pap smear tests every year." of course that did it for me - and i started crying (again). if only my mom had gotten her tests. i had stopped thinking that way awhile ago because there was no point - it was too late. but tonight it was thrown in my face - she could have prevented it and she would still be here. im trying not to be angry right now. angry because i've started thinking about the bad memories of what the cancer did to her as opposed to the happy memories before it took over her body, mind, and her life. which is the only way i have learned to deal with it - blocking out the bad - taking in the good.
and now i just want to call my dad. but its almost four in the morning in montreal.....
i realize this post is quite personal - but it's part of my journey and i want to document it...
goodnight.
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