DAY TEN: emotional wreck.
WHATADAY. Work was good - busy as usual but I finished early and treated myself to a littttttle shopping spree at Winners (I have addiction to that store FYI). My paycheck was higher than usual - so I didn't question it - just spent it. Then Allison came over for our weekly 1 hour cuddle fest (yes, a weekly cuddle fest) and then I finally got to watch some Y&R. Between my recent crazy work hours and this challenge - I had fallen behind! Nick Newman is now sleeping with Phyllis' sister! OH MY! haha. But seriously, it was nice to actually have 1 hour in my apartment to do nothing but watch a trashy soap opera (can you tell what kind of housewife i'm gonna be?)
I took tonight's 6pm class with Wendy - AGAIN! It seems as though all my classes are with Wendy and Colleen these days - I don't plan it that way - I just fit whatever class I can into my schedule and voila. (i'm not complaining - i love their classes)
I'm not quite sure how the rest of this entry is going to go to be honest. I am a bit all over the place. In terms of getting through the class - I'm not struggling with the heat - or the difficulty of the postures - but my mind - well, I'm loosing it. Bikram is fucking me up (excuse my language, but Bikram is fucked - and if I ever meet him, well, I'm gonna tell him - straight to his face). I've had enough openings of my heart chakra thank you very much - I don't want to feel these emotions anymore! I don't even know who I am anymore. I am so happy, I feel amazing, my heart is full, my life is great - but I'm an emotional WRECK. Literally, I will be laughing, and two seconds later, tears are streaming down my face. I feel crazy.
Tonight I left class, called Leah (fellow yogi and Bikram instructor) and started crying as I walked to my car. I wanted to give up - this challenge seemed to big for me. I was overwhelmed and feeling weak and wanting to admit defeat. I don't know HOW instructors survive 90 days of this (and TWICE a day). But Leah explained that I am doing this challenge right in the center of REAL LIFE - I haven't given up the real world and submerged myself into nothing but Bikram thinking breathing and living. I know the crying sessions that I'm experiencing are overdue tears from past situations/struggles in my life - but I pushed those tears down deep long ago for a reason and I want to keep them there. I KNOW I need to let it out - and that it's good for me - but I don't like how it makes me feel or what I think about..... I'm not going to go into details as it is rather personal, but Bikram is really not giving me a choice but to let it all out. It's amazing and I hate it.
Thank you Leah for being there for me tonight and letting me break down - je taime gros xo (in case you don't understand that little bit of french - i love you lots)