DAY TEN: emotional wreck.
WHATADAY. Work was good - busy as usual but I finished early and treated myself to a littttttle shopping spree at Winners (I have addiction to that store FYI). My paycheck was higher than usual - so I didn't question it - just spent it. Then Allison came over for our weekly 1 hour cuddle fest (yes, a weekly cuddle fest) and then I finally got to watch some Y&R. Between my recent crazy work hours and this challenge - I had fallen behind! Nick Newman is now sleeping with Phyllis' sister! OH MY! haha. But seriously, it was nice to actually have 1 hour in my apartment to do nothing but watch a trashy soap opera (can you tell what kind of housewife i'm gonna be?)
I took tonight's 6pm class with Wendy - AGAIN! It seems as though all my classes are with Wendy and Colleen these days - I don't plan it that way - I just fit whatever class I can into my schedule and voila. (i'm not complaining - i love their classes)
I'm not quite sure how the rest of this entry is going to go to be honest. I am a bit all over the place. In terms of getting through the class - I'm not struggling with the heat - or the difficulty of the postures - but my mind - well, I'm loosing it. Bikram is fucking me up (excuse my language, but Bikram is fucked - and if I ever meet him, well, I'm gonna tell him - straight to his face). I've had enough openings of my heart chakra thank you very much - I don't want to feel these emotions anymore! I don't even know who I am anymore. I am so happy, I feel amazing, my heart is full, my life is great - but I'm an emotional WRECK. Literally, I will be laughing, and two seconds later, tears are streaming down my face. I feel crazy.
Tonight I left class, called Leah (fellow yogi and Bikram instructor) and started crying as I walked to my car. I wanted to give up - this challenge seemed to big for me. I was overwhelmed and feeling weak and wanting to admit defeat. I don't know HOW instructors survive 90 days of this (and TWICE a day). But Leah explained that I am doing this challenge right in the center of REAL LIFE - I haven't given up the real world and submerged myself into nothing but Bikram thinking breathing and living. I know the crying sessions that I'm experiencing are overdue tears from past situations/struggles in my life - but I pushed those tears down deep long ago for a reason and I want to keep them there. I KNOW I need to let it out - and that it's good for me - but I don't like how it makes me feel or what I think about..... I'm not going to go into details as it is rather personal, but Bikram is really not giving me a choice but to let it all out. It's amazing and I hate it.
Thank you Leah for being there for me tonight and letting me break down - je taime gros xo (in case you don't understand that little bit of french - i love you lots)
Aww.... I want to give you a big hug - I could see you were not yourself last night. I know you know this but best thing is to let it out with a big, ugly cry. It's not pretty but you will feel so much better afterwards. I had to learn to cry - it is hard for most of us as we have been so conditioned not to. And if you need any more encouragement, it releases tension from the face and makes us look younger :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder why our brains force our bodies to absorb the bad feelings and emotions? Bikram (and BKS Inyengar) talks about the mind and body fighting each other all the time. A posture like Standing Head to Knee trains the mind to control the body.
If you were in teacher training right now, Noemie, experiencing anger towards Bikram, he would say, "I know you hate me, sweetheart, but I am your best friend". Imagine the strength of the man! He faces 350 trainee teachers all hating him for making them feel like you do right now.
Everything is as it should be
xx Claire
Sweetpea! You are being so honest and open. It is really so very touching to read. Isn't it amazing how we really do "know" what we need and yet we resist it so much. You really do KNOW. I can tell by what you've written.
ReplyDeleteI was going to write some words of encouragement and then I see that Claire has said the perfect thing...so I will leave it at that.
Keep doing the yoga, keep writing, keep crying...it's all good.
Love Colleen
thank you both for you amazing words of support:) my head is in a better place today - thank you colleen for the happiest and healthiest class i've had in a long time this morning and claire - look forward to the 4pm :) everything is as it should be xo
ReplyDeleteThis challenge is a big thing, and overwhelming more often than not! I keep wishing I could just put everything and everyone on hold in my life so I could just focus on yoga... but i realize that the real challenge is to be doing this despite what is going on in our day to day. Not to mention the uninvited things that pop up like a jack in a box from our past! I think that's part of the awake meditation, things come up, you aren't supposed to run out of the hot room, so you face them and gotta let them go, sometimes with tears. Anyway... as Joe Cocker would say... gonna try with a little help from my friends. xo
ReplyDelete